I am a single, primary parent to three fabulous daughters: two pre-teens, and one full-blown teenager. Most of the time I’m proud of this title and everything I accomplish for my kids. But as other parents who have survived the teen phase can tell you, it is as challenging as it is rewarding. When time came for me to write an article about how I use litigation defense tools in the “real world,” I immediately thought of parenting.

I told myself, “Get it together, Fordham…you are not going to compare lawyering to parenting…” But the more I tried to come up with another topic, the more forced the comparisons became. The more I think about my battles at home, the more I recognize how my own versions of the Tyson and Mendes Core Four really shore me up in the hardest times.

For those who are not in regular contact with a young man or young woman today, let me tell you: teenagers are the angry plaintiffs of society. They have been wronged, and now we must pay!

How can we blame them? They have been brought into society where their moms write articles about how difficult they are to live with, entire sciences are engaged in trying to understand them, and their frontal cortexes aren’t fully formed, making them more slave to their emotions than toddlers are![i] [ii] So when my oldest wants to make the world suffer as she has been made to suffer, I try to treat her like the angry plaintiff she mimics, and not the unhinged maniac I am terrified she may be. (Spoiler: She’s not. None of them are.)

It Takes Two to Tango – Accepting Responsibility

In negotiations with plaintiffs, Tyson and Mendes attorneys are encouraged to accept responsibility. Look at the incident itself and acknowledge how something we did contributed to everyone’s presence at the table. While I don’t believe parents need to take the position that we have wronged our children simply by bringing them into the world, there is always room to reflect on how our dysregulation may contribute to their struggle. Please do not hold the following confessions against me. I am a human, and I am doing my best:

• Falling asleep last night, I thought to myself: “Perhaps I should not have shouted at her that she could ‘F.A.F.O’—that definitely did not deescalate the situation.”
• Driving to my office after dropping her off, I berated myself for noticing, out loud, that there was a miniscule stain on her top: her carefully selected outfit, right before she entered the lion’s den (middle school).
• Suffering in the silence that fell over our dinner table after I provided some unsolicited advice about her friends when she just wanted to vent.

I certainly believe parents are experienced and well-positioned to hold an authoritative position in the home and exercise boundaries, but occasionally, I need to accept responsibility for making this challenging season even more difficult for all of us. Taking the seemingly impossible deep breath in the middle of the argument, asking her if she wants advice or just an ear, and apologizing for making her feel self-conscious for little to no reason won’t fix everything, but owning my involvement can certainly help.

“I’m Doing My Best!” – Humanizing the Defendant

In a relationship with your teenager, imagine you are showing up pro per. I am my own attorney, and my client does occasionally embody the old adage of “fool.” Even so, I have found that I can begin the foundation of a bridge to Teen Island by humanizing myself. I am aware that my oldest sometimes sees me as a power-mad dictator, even if that is as unfair to me as it would be to one of my corporate clients.

Just as we humanize our defendants, we can show our kids, “You think I’m mean for keeping you here for family time when you wanted to go to the movies with your friends, but I’m also a family member with feelings who wants to enjoy your company on occasion.” My personal favorite is when I’m compared to one of the “cool” moms, who my youngest assures me treat their children like princesses. “I’m new at this too, and my job is to keep you safe, and to raise a good human. I don’t know how Susie’s mom does it, but this is how I am doing it.”

Holding Boundaries: Giving a Number

Is it just me, or does parenting often feel like one long negotiation? “Five more minutes?!” “Please, just ONE candy?!” “But KAREN’S MOM LETS HER!” I believe, as parents, we are doing our best with what we have. Sometimes, there isn’t enough gas in the tank to fight, and on those days, we eat pizza on the couch and watch Bluey. (Yes, even the teenager. If you haven’t, you’re missing out.) But the rules that matter? Like that reasonable number Tyson and Mendes attorneys give to a jury, they never change.

In Camp Fordham, you can sing along to explicit music (in context and when the song is actually playing – oh man, did I learn that one the hard way!) but over my dead body will you have social media before you’re 18. This isn’t right for everyone, but it works for me. I also draw boundaries for the age at which you may have a cell phone, and in our house, we don’t name call, period. The foundational rules and numbers don’t change.

I’m raising three. If I change the rule for one, I am stared down by a miniature jury filled with anger and intense undermining of my competence, and the entire system fails. Stick to the numbers that work for you, and don’t change them.

It IS a Big Deal: Arguing Pain and Suffering

Teenagers, both young men and young women, have been shown to generate ink blot test results that would be indicative of schizophrenia in adults.[iii] They also feel emotions much more intensely than adults or younger children during the drastic remodel of their brains during this period.[iv] This is exactly what makes a teen parent’s day seem like they’re up against potential Nuclear Verdicts®.

Everything in a teen’s life is felt so intensely and immediately that every problem looks like a nuclear problem. After a requisite show of camaraderie and empathetic nods of agreement, parents can argue the pain and suffering actually in play. I will ask questions like, “Is your life over, or can I find a duplicate pair of the jeans that got torn up?’’ “Do you need to change schools, or is it possible that no one actually saw the toilet paper stuck to your shoe before you did?” “Has your friend lost her mind, or could we take some time and negotiate some boundaries?” “You’re hurting. I see it, but is this really as catastrophic as you’re making it seem?” (Clarification: I value my life too much to tell this child that “it’s no big deal” outright. For your own safety, I do not recommend this approach.)

Closing Arguments: This Article is Satire

I want time with my kid, even as she is pulling away from me. That inevitable departure that I’ve been training both of us for since she took her first steps is both wonderful and incredibly painful, made harder by the intensity of these years that she tests out her independence. We joke that teenagers are horrible and preach, “Just you wait” to parents of toddlers and sweet kindergarteners but, really, are we just covering our hurt that the inevitable is coming to pass? And what if, instead of being so appalled at their behavior, we took responsibility, humanized ourselves, and gently guided them to see reason the same way we do with an angry, hurt adult?

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Sources

[i] Lisa Damour, Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood (New York: Ballantine Books, 2016)

[ii] Casey, B.J., Jones, R.M., and Hare. T.A. (2008) The adolescent Brain. Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences II24 (I), III-26

[iii] Smith, S.R., Baity, M. R., Knowles, E.S., and HIlsentoth, M.J. (2001) Assessment of disordered thinking in children and Adolescents: The Rorshach Perceptual-Thinking Index. Journal of Personalist Assessment 77 (3) 447-63

[iv] Casey, B.J., Jones, R.M., and Hare. T.A. (2008) The adolescent Brain. Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences II24 (I), III-26